Last week I had mediation with my ex (boo!) regarding my petition for full custody of our kids. For reasons that I don't need to go into here, J and I both feel that it is in their best interest to primarily reside with us. And before anyone gets on their high horse about equal parenting time/shared custody/yada yada yada - let me save you the trouble. We've been trying to make equal parenting time work for 3 years now. It isn't working. So it was not really a big surprise that mediation went the way that it did. But what was a surprise was my reaction to it. I was scared going in to that room. I was under that man's thumb for 13 years - and had bought into his lies about how I was nothing, ugly, fat, a bad mother, a bad homemaker, a bad wife, an idiot, all alone, had no skills, no education, no friends, no family nearby. After separating, I began to know myself better and realized that those were all lies. Every single one of them. And let me tell you something - I actually need to thank my ex for giving me the motivation to change that. The stupidest thing he ever did was to tell me that I couldn't make it. Because you know what? I damn well can.
So last week, I walked into that room knowing that I had HUNDREDS of friends and family praying for me in that moment. I asked that they would pray that things would be decided favorably, that we would be able to work things out without having to go back to court. And you know what? I was wrong to ask for that. And those sneaky friends of mine knew it, and you know what they prayed for?
God's will be done
I was praying for MY will to be done. I wanted to accomplish MY goals in that meeting. I wanted things to go MY way. And they didn't. But you know what did happen?
I stood my ground.
I looked that person right in the eye. I didn't duck my head, I didn't drop my gaze, I didn't cry, I didn't cave, I didn't beg, I didn't apologize. All of those were conditioned responses learned over the 13 years that I was with him. And for the first time since I met him, I stood my ground. No, things didn't get worked out. Yes, we will be in court. Again. But it was such a measure of how much God has changed me over the past 3 years. I am intelligent, articulate, funny, attractive, a fierce mother, a loyal wife, a dedicated homemaker, a wonderful friend. I have completed my degree and am pursuing another. I have made more friends in the last 3 years than in the previous 10. I am stubborn, and sometimes cranky. I have a dark sense of humor and quite a bit of snark. I love it.
I believe that God's will was done in that meeting. And I believe that He acted to accomplish His will despite my selfishness. And after seeing that, I started looking more closely at my life. In what ways had I been calling the shots around here, and not been willing to let God have control over? Sure. I'm a Christian. Familiar with the Apostles' Creed? Because I believe in every single line. But... somehow, I've allowed my life to stray from God. I've taken Him out of the equation. I believe, but I don't interact. I claim the promise of eternal life and salvation through Jesus Christ, but I don't speak His name in my home. My Bible is dusty. It's been months since I went to church. We've even gotten out of the habit of saying grace before our meals.
And that's when I realized: this is not who I am either. That has started me on a journey of rediscovery. I've spent the 7 days reading my Bible, searching for God in the pages that I know by memory, but have not allowed to soak into my heart. I've never felt so far away from God in my life, and yet I can still see His hand at work in my family. What kind of grace is this? That I could have so forgotten Him, and still be worth His time and attention.
I hope to keep updating this post as I have delved more deeply into Scripture, and as my relationship with God is growing. I am going through the study "Experiencing God", which you can find here and join me! For now, I will leave you with the most empowering verse I have come across in my reading this week. If you are encountering struggles, hardship, and anxiety I hope that this will give you the comfort that it gave me.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be affraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV
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