Do you ever feel anxious about something that you have said or done long after the fact? Like, I still get anxiety about things that I said as a pre-teen. That was QUITE a few years ago. But I worry that THAT moment of awkwardness is the first thing people will think about when they remember me. I have for a long time desired that I would be remembered as a loving, caring, sweet, kind-hearted woman full of grace by those who know me. And yet, when I have heard people describe me it is in terms like "funny, witty, snarky, sarcastic, dark sense of humor" and the like. Sure, those things DO describe me, but if I could trade, I would. I was recently on an interview and afterward I called my friend who works in the same office and told her how it went. She said "Oh, they called and asked me to tell them more about you and I said you were very black and white, that you would get things done, wouldn't let anyone push you around, and would call people on their crap." I mean - I guess these are good things, but not quite the meek and mild spirit I have been longing to cultivate. This is what I get for being a strong-willed child, I suppose.
Well ACTUALLY, my mother would inform you that what I get for being a strong-willed child is getting to RAISE a strong-willed child. Joy of joys. Seriously, 90% of the time I am praying that they will use their powers to lead the world and not a gang.
One of the struggles that I have been having with one particular strong-willed child in my house is homework. Guys, really. We are to the point where he is telling me "yes, I did my homework" and what he means is "I did my math homework, but not my language arts and my special project for this week". Last night, as I was packing backpacks and making sure the house was ready for the next day, I chanced to flip through their planners. Empty. Blank homework pages. Now, it was already about 10 pm, so I wasn't about to wake them up and make them do their homework. But you better believe I had those boys out of bed and sat down at the table bright and early this morning. My eldest tells me "well, I lost the list of spelling words on Tuesday, so I haven't been able to do this homework." "Son, this is Friday. Why wouldn't you get another spelling list when you were at school the other 3 days this week?!" You know what answer I got? A shoulder shrug.
And then it happened. I lost my ever-lovin' mind. I went into a rant about how I have already passed the 5th grade, and that afforded me the luxury of not having to stay on top of 5th grade homework any more. How I shouldn't have to (but did) ask online in the PTSA Facebook page for the 5th grade spelling list so that HE could finish his homework. How I thought we had already worked on this problem LAST semester, and that I thought he had outgrown this. How this was NEVER going to happen again, and isn't he a lucky boy that he has a mom who is on top of things, and actually cares about his grades and makes sure he is being successful in school?
After I dropped them off (a few minutes late, because I made him finish his homework) at school this morning, I was seething quietly in my car in the parking lot for a few minutes. You know what happened? God got ahold of me.
"Jessi? I thought we had worked on this temper. This kind of frustration is NEVER going to happen again. I have already paid for that sin. I shouldn't be having to bring this to your attention because this is YOUR area of weakness. Aren't you a lucky woman that you have a God who is on top of things, and actually cares about your actions, words, and behavior to make sure you are successful in life?" Yes, God can be sarcastic, folks.
You see, it is easy to WANT to respond with Grace. It is a whole 'nuther thing to actually do it. Did my son need me yelling at him this morning while he is hunched over his homework, worrying about being late for school? Nope. Wasn't the fact that he would have gotten a bad grade on his homework punishment enough? Couldn't I have just said "well, you're going to get the grade you worked for" and left it at that? Let him go off to school knowing that he had let me down, and that I was disappointed in his behavior, but not in him as a person? That would have been the gracious, loving answer.
Aren't we so lucky (truthfully) that God doesn't respond to us the way we respond to others? That there is never shame, or gloating, and that we never feel like He is doing us a favor by forgiving us? His forgiveness is complete, He is not going to throw it back in our face and say "Do you remember the LAST time I forgave you for this? You are so lucky that I am in such a forgiving mood, but this is not ever going to happen again." God tells us in 1 John 1:9 that "if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us". Is there something that you are struggling with today? I encourage you to confess it to God, ask Him to forgive you of it, and ask Him to help you deal with it in your life.
For me, I will ask His forgiveness for my short temper this morning and ask that He continues to cultivate the desire and the ability in me to respond in Grace. I'll also be asking forgiveness from the kids when they get home from school. While I may have been justified in my reaction, it isn't the kind of memory I want them to have of their mother. If I can't be remembered right now for my gracious spirit, I can at least be remembered as being a mother who was willing to see her own shortcomings, and who demonstrated to her children that you can always be working on yourself.
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